I am sitting here trying to write my annual end of year post and, honestly, I am just numb. I have no emotions about it. It was a difficult year in many ways but also a year of growth as all difficult years are. My therapist calls it my “dark night of the soul” moment. I think it’s less dramatic than that. Sure, I have had several moments of thinking, “What is the point of all this…life?” But it has mostly been a year of accepting that I will be on my own soon with my daughter moving on to brighter things in her young adult life and trying to appreciate my life even though I have a huge question mark hanging above my head about what it will look like moving forward. I will have the freedom now to do whatever I want and pursue dreams I haven’t been able to in the past. But I am also having a moment of pause where I honestly don’t want to climb any mountains. I have spent my entire young adult life (as most do) trying to make my mark and feel accomplished. What I realize now is I don’t have to accomplish anything in life to matter, to be loved, or to be worthy of this life. And I am trying to embrace that notion. As a recovering perfectionist and someone who has always been conscious of not wasting a single moment, in my mid-40s I want to redefine what that means. 

I spent 2023 taking a pause on almost everything that has defined me up to this point. I quit CrossFit, I stopped putting pressure on myself to write, I let go of expectations of both family members, friends, and even lovers in my life. I dropped all pretense and expectation in order to take a breath and rediscover what’s true for me and about me. 

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I tried writing this two weeks ago and wasn’t in a great headspace to write, so I stopped. I am returning to it today and feel a little more clarity and motivation to finish it. Rather than starting over, I decided to leave it as a signal of pretty much how this past year has gone, which is existing in fits and starts and wandering through new terrain with no plans or goals except relief and relaxation, peace and comfort. 2023 was all about me in the sense that I was taking the year to do only what I wanted and to stop putting pressure on myself to accomplish or create. But if last year was all about me, this year will be focused on what is best for me. I am taking the lessons of last year and applying them to a better way of living that works for me but in a way that doesn’t strip away or compromise any part of me.

What gives my life meaning is simple…it’s me. Up until now I have been too afraid to be completely honest and open to those in my life about everything….to stop tip-toeing around difficult conversations and to be the most authentic I can be despite any negative consequences. I now understand there are no negative consequences in being yourself unapologetically because you only filter out what and who are not meant for you. That is easier said than done as I have known it intellectually but found it more difficult to live out in real time. I was raised to be a people-pleaser (as most women are) but also had a rebellious streak hidden deep within. The rebel in me comes out through my writing and advocacy, but it is suppressed among those I love and care about. I have the gift/burden of empathy, which is feeling the emotional motivations of others and seeing their perspective(s). But being an empath does not mean condoning bad behavior. Understanding and condoning are two different things. And so I have tried to separate the two and live more authentically in what I feel and who I let into my life accordingly. Intuition isn’t necessarily taught, but it can be learned. And once we learn how to tap into it, we must then learn how to act upon it in healthy ways. This is also a learned skill. It requires both not betraying ourselves but also being able to communicate effectively. These are two of the most important skills that living requires, and I am determined to master them. 

This past year’s intellectual and spiritual struggles have stripped my life of meaning in many ways but also simultaneously allowed me to rebuild myself into what I actually want it to be rather than what we are taught we should be. I am still in the rebuilding phase, which has ultimately meant spending a lot of time alone, processing and searching for what it truly means to be both human and “successful” in this life. I am coming into an exciting chapter of my life, and I choose to look at it that way even if it’s scary and somewhat foreboding. I say foreboding because the more content I become in my life, the more I realize what I have to lose. But life doesn’t have to be lived from that perspective. I choose to embrace it as my next adventure, and I want to continue to take risks and push boundaries on myself; however, I am not sure in what forms those new adventures and risks will take yet. My intuition will lead the way as I continue to get better at listening to that internal voice, a voice many might call God but I call my spiritual advisor. The deepest core of me is always there, directing me as much as I will let her in any given moment. The more we learn to trust that deepest knowing within ourselves, the better we get at navigating life in general. It takes quiet solitude and a certain amount of openness to listen and receive, but I have grown quite accustomed to solitude to the point where I prefer it. I believe in seeking out only quality friendships with substance, not wasting my time on superficiality. I only have patience for diving into the complexities and inner worlds of people, leaving shallowness to others. One of my challenges for myself is to stay as present with my people as possible and not take time together for granted while also allowing myself ample time to be in my own world, giving myself time to rest and recover as well as invent and create through my own art and expression. There is a time for work and a time for play, both among others but also on our own. Balance is a requirement for a fulfilling life, and I am learning that balance as best I can. 

As someone who has always valued structure and goals, I am learning to truly value existing in a space where I have neither, but rather, honoring both my obligations and also my freedom to do whatever I want without feeling pressured to produce. Just because we live in a capitalist society does not mean we have to succumb to its lies about what should be valued in our lives. Time is our greatest commodity and, yet, that is one of many paradoxes I am learning as well…that time is only a construct we use to structure our lives, but it is meaningless in how we should actually live our lives. We should always be present in the moment, which makes time meaningless. Aging is a privilege and should be treated as such. In my darkest times, I forget that. I focus on my despair and the why around existence, asking myself “what is the point of all this”? But the question IS the point. To live the questions and try to answer the mysteries of life are what give it meaning. We won’t get all our questions answered, but we will have found purpose in the seeking and in the existing…and we will find meaning in the connections we make along the way. It really is that simple. And when we understand that, life becomes easier. We begin to put less emphasis on accomplishments and more on the experience. We grow to accept every moment instead of stressing over the meaning behind that moment. We care less about producing and more about creating for the sake of creation and being present in order to experience life instead of trudging through it out of some sort of obligation set upon us. 

As I embark on 2024 I am taking life as it comes at me, but not so much reacting to it. I look at it more like riding the wave of it and letting the Universe do some of the guiding and leaning into it while using my foot to guide my proverbial surfboard along its wake. I don’t have to make any sudden movements; I can glide along the edges of what the Universe presents. If I ride the waves of opportunity, I’ll sail into the sand having enjoyed the ride rather than fighting it. I’ve read a lot about manifestation this past year. Manifestation isn’t what people might think. It’s not about manifesting something from thin air; it’s about living our lives in joy, happiness, and contentment as if we already have the things we want. Living a life of gratitude not only allows us to enjoy the journey we’re on while living it, but living that positive path inevitably brings us to what we want because we are open to receiving it. The positive frequency of vibrations we produce actually attracts what we want to us. Essentially, it’s kind of like karma: We get back what we put out into the world. Faith, to me, is having that trust in the Universe that if we live as authentically and openly as possible and do what we can to positively impact the world, it will come back to us exponentially. The trick is finding ways to live in that purpose and drive as authentically as possible given our own unique talents. THAT is our challenge and should be our purpose in life…not to produce but, rather, to give back to the world that which we are compelled to do. In order to do that we must truly know ourselves deeply. Knowing ourselves requires introspection, humility, and a willingness to understand others’ stories and how they impact us. I am excited for this next chapter of my journey because I understand that I don’t need to have a plan, and I don’t have to make anything happen. I can lean into what the Universe is whispering to me and follow my heart and intuition. I think if I am more open to it, I will be more successful in manifesting my greatest dreams and desires. I only have to continuously ask myself, “Am I honoring myself in this moment?” That will keep me on the right track and allow me to live a life that is best for me rather than a life of comfort or accomplishment. We must not always seek comfort and we must not always seek accomplishment. We must seek balance between the two and honor ourselves in each moment. 

If I had a word to describe 2024 it would have to be authenticity because that is what I will be focusing on at a deeper level than I ever have before. Authenticity requires living my truest life and being as truthful with others as possible so as to honor my authentic self. I will no longer give any power away to others, and I will honor them as well by giving of myself in the most authentic way I know how. I am aware this will not be an easy task, but it will allow me to learn lessons of standing in my power and honoring what I am truly meant to do and be. There is nothing more important than that. By standing in my power, I will not only be a role model to my daughter but also a beacon of light and trust in those closest to me, knowing that I am not compromising myself for their approval. Ironically, this makes others feel safer in my presence because there is no pretense or guessing game with me. There is only truth and honesty. I think we all deserve that of each other, even if the truth hurts sometimes. Growing pains are a necessity in life to get us to the next level; they aren’t to be feared. 

This reflection was less a recap of the previous year and goals for this year and more of a stream-of-consciousness opus of how my brain works but, hey, writing it down makes it more concrete and gives me a map to follow. Writing saved my life and continues to be my guiding light in navigating this worldly existence. Everyone has their own method of creation, and we should all do more creating in our lives…for us, not for others. So if I had any advice to give you, the reader, for 2024, it would be to go out and create more. Use your imagination and self-expression to put art out into the world in order to connect with others. Your creations are your truth, and the more truthful you are, the closer to your own authenticity you get. If we all lived in our full authenticity, what I like to call our God-like state, the better off we will be as an earthly community. Just be sure to live it with as much grace and empathy as possible. 

Happy 2024…may you all be well.