Another New Year’s Eve…another reflection on the past year as well as a view of 2022 (see what I did there?)…

I just watched a survival story about a climber who broke his leg descending a mountain and literally had to crawl mile upon mile down a mountain to get to safety. In order to do this, he made very short doable goals…goals like “I am going to make it to that rock in 18 minutes.” He literally achieved this insurmountable feat by breaking up the seemingly impossible journey into very small, obtainable goals until, miraculously, after five days he made it to base camp without dying.

This got me thinking about my own goals…and what it is that I truly want to achieve in my lifetime. I find it difficult to do this because my goals are much less object-oriented than say… making my way down a mountain and getting from point A to point B. I am not necessarily looking for a higher rung on the corporate ladder, more recognition, or an upgrade in my living situation, for example. Although more money would be nice, I have finally reached a level of financial stability and contentment in my career that my goals are more based in experiences and in things I can’t really control. I am always working on cultivating my most cherished relationships and, ultimately, I would love to find a partner to share my life with so that I have someone to share experiences with. 

I think in order to determine where we want to go, we must first appreciate how far we’ve come. No one can deny the nightmare that has been the last two years from civil unrest to an insurrection on our capitol to the horror of the pandemic to the rise in authoritarianism, situations that seem to be getting worse, not better. In such moments, we must first be grateful for all that we do have in this moment because it could all be gone tomorrow. For starters, I have an amazing daughter who is smart, studious, responsible, kind, and funny. I have a family who is happy and healthy and shows up for me. I have THE MOST AMAZING friends in the world from all walks of life and all over the country/globe. I have a wonderful job with fun and supportive coworkers/managers, and I have a roof over my head and am able to support myself and put a little money away for a later day. I know I am a broken record when it comes to what I am thankful for, but I am beyond blessed and I always remind myself of that in order to remain grounded and humble when life does inevitably get hard. 

This past year was a bit of a whirlwind. There were many ups and a few downs. We celebrated my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary but then followed it up by moving them out of our childhood home of 41 years. My brother was married this past summer, but it also reminded me that a decade after my own divorce, I am still single. I visited my best friend who moved away to Las Vegas two years ago and realized I still carried some resentment from her move away from me. This led me down the path of dating apps because I realized that what my bestie had been filling in my life I needed to find in a life partner, someone who would be my number one through the rest of this blessed life. That led me to the realization that I was finally ready to find that person.

Surprisingly, I met someone rather quickly and we dated for a bit until we didn’t. Long story short, what started out as fairly hot and heavy fizzled out and left me wondering what the heck even happened…and it led me to more lessons about myself. But that is the point. Relationships, for better or worse, lead us to better know and understand ourselves and, although some relationships do last a lifetime, all relationships evolve into something different than how they started. They look different, they feel different, they are different. If we aren’t evolving, we are dying. We must approach life with the philosophy that nothing stays the same, and we must be open to taking the paths that will best suit us in the moment and grow us into the individuals we are meant to be…and lead us to the people we are meant to be with.

Maybe the biggest lesson I have (re)learned this year is to live in the present moment and stop worrying about the “what ifs” or the future. Each year this lesson seeps down into my subconscious a little bit more, but I also have tools that help. I re-read books to remind me of the lesson of staying present, I meditate, and I journal to get thoughts of worry out of my head so I can move back into the present moment. I remind myself that anything happening to me that is disrupting my peace is, more often than not, something I need to let go of…whether it is a story, an expectation, or an outcome. I don’t necessarily need to let go of the “thing,” whatever that thing is, but I need to let go of my need to control the thing. Ninety-nine percent of our worry stems from the need to control what is happening to us, especially if it is something negative. That’s where meditation comes in (and ALL the tools)…bringing me out of my head and back into my body and into that present moment of peace and gratitude.

Another big lesson that I have learned is that it is okay to be emotional and to react to situations, sometimes in ways we wish we hadn’t in retrospect. Here’s the deal…we’re all human, and we’re all seeking clarity in confusing times. That need to know, understand, or control a situation is natural and normal; it is what’s common in all of us. Although we can learn to react in every single moment in healthier ways, sometimes expressing emotions is a survival mechanism and, frankly, necessary in order to move on to the next step of the process. It isn’t always healthy to bottle up emotions either. I heard a quote from Lady Gaga that rang true for me. I can’t quote it exactly, but she said something like “wisdom is the center of where the emotional mind and the rational mind meet.” She was giving credence to both sides of our brain. The emotional side is as equally important as the rational mind, and we need both to fully process our world and be healthy, fully functioning beings. Our emotions are valid and important information in order to process what is happening to us. Our rational side, though, must also be aware and ready to step in when our emotional side is overwhelmed or in overdrive. We must eventually be able to process in a logical fashion once emotions are acknowledged and understood.

That lesson led me to my third life changing realization of 2021. After a few incidents involving alcohol I realized that I would react in irrational ways at times while under the influence, ways that were affecting some of my relationships which led to poor decisions. When we drink alcohol we become myopic. What this means is our perspective/vision narrows and we can only focus on what is right in front of us. This also means our emotions that are tied to what is happening become heightened, and we feel that emotion on an artificially grander scale. What may be a minor incident becomes larger in scope and imminent in our view, and it has the opposite effect in our behavior. We become short-sighted, reactive, and lacking true perspective in that moment. This leads to poor decision-making and, for me, what is called flooding…where my mind races so fast that I can’t process any of my emotions that are firing, and I end up shutting down and fleeing instead of being able to have a rational conversation. Between these incidents and some of the negative physical implications of drinking alcohol, I finally decided to give it up and become sober. I have been sober now for two full months, and I have never felt better. Some of the positive physical benefits have been the clearing up of my rosacea on my face as well as the tempering of my hemorrhoids (sorry, boys…it’s a thing for women who’ve had kids and/or, in my case, who lift heavy weights), which haven’t become inflamed at all since I stopped consuming alcohol (they can be very painful). Being sober has also helped with sleep. I used to complain literally every single day that I was so tired, and now I am rarely tired. I feel refreshed every day and ready to tackle the day and do my job effectively. Emotionally, being sober has allowed me to focus more on my personal growth, allowing me to fully process emotions from everything that happens to me while also giving me the clarity and, frankly, the energy to get back to habits that are important to me like reading and writing in my spare time rather than numbing myself in front of a TV or when with friends. Being sober has helped remind me of what is most important in my life, allowing me to be introspective rather than myopic. Another often forgotten benefit of being sober is that I am rarely depressed. We tend to forget as a society that alcohol is, in fact, a depressant. I don’t have that negative mood drug manipulating my hormones and my overall state of mind.

With all that has happened up to this point in my life, what I want most for 2022 is continued growth, contentment, and faith that every want, desire, or need in my beautiful life will fall into place in its own precious time. In the meantime, I remain humble to the experience in gratitude and in discipline, giving my time and energy to my work, my passions, and my people (you know who you are). I don’t want to set painstaking short-term goals as my New Year’s Resolution. I assure you they will be set in due time, but as we turn the corner into 2022, I truly want to live in the moment, to be humble, thankful, and hopeful for the future. I can’t control everything, and I don’t want to…what a miserable task that would be to carry all that on my shoulders. It is important to remember that most people deep down inside just want to be seen, validated, and loved…so my New Year’s Resolution is to continue to be present for those I love and to show them that they are seen, valued, and loved. I wish you the same in 2022; may it be everything you wish and then some.