It is time for my annual self-reflection of the past year. 2019 was another difficult year for me. For starters, I was injured for the entirety of this past year, modifying workouts and losing a lot of skill and strength I had built up in 2018. My best friend moved away from me, the one person I did almost everything with and one of the few in my life who truly understands me on a deep level. I dated and subsequently was lied to and ghosted by someone I had admired from afar for a long time. I cut a former teammate from my old running days out of my life due to his shady attempts at coupling despite the fact that he is married. I had a few fights with my ex (parenting disagreements that escalated into personal attacks) that have since been resolved but made for an emotional year. And then there’s the continuing fiasco that is our leadership in this country…and the ensuing disinformation that continues to pummel us and has taken many loved ones down the drain of delusion. I could be positive and cliché about these developments and say that said instances have made me stronger, but that would be a lie. At the end of this year, I can only observe that I feel weak and somewhat lost about who my friends truly are and how I should proceed with my life going forward. I have considered quitting everything I am involved in (including my beloved CrossFit gym) and turning inward, maybe turning back to my writing…but I don’t even have inspiration to do that. New Year’s has always been my least favorite holiday…a time to reflect on all my failures, not my successes. I have always put a positive spin on them, but I don’t want to do that this year. Why should I make excuses for my own failures or the slights others have imposed on me? The fact is, I am hurting and I want to acknowledge that rather than put on a brave face.

But I keep coming back to this word forgive. The definition of forgive is “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” I have always been really good at forgiving others. I always try to see situations from their perspective and let them be who they are going to be, faults and all. What I have stopped doing is trying to explain my own actions and perspective. If someone feels slighted by me or if I feel they misunderstand me or my intentions, I let them go. I no longer have the energy to always explain or justify. If someone is a friend, they will seek me out and ask if I am okay or ask for a better understanding of a situation. To me, that is what defines a true friendship…on all levels. Ultimately though, what is most important to me is forgiving myself for any mistakes or misjudgments I have made. At the end of each day, it is myself I have to live with forever and ever. Being kind to myself is much more important than being kind to anyone else, fore we cannot be kind to others unless we are right with ourselves.

I am a pretty blunt person by nature. I tell things as they are or as I see them, and people generally know where I stand with them. I have always appreciated friends who are up front and honest with me and don’t leave me guessing where I stand with them. Communication and honesty are the only ways to ensure a healthy relationship, whether with an acquaintance, a friend, a lover, or an ex-lover. I believe the root of everyone’s sadness in this world boils down to unhealthy relationships, which is why I am very selective in who I let into my world. So…my goal for 2020, the year of perfect vision, is to be forgiving of myself knowing that I won’t have perfect vision. Hindsight is always 2020, but we can’t know what the future brings or how we should handle every situation we are confronted with. We bring all of our baggage with us, our preconceived notions, our bias, and our own triggers and hurts. Knowing this, we MUST lead with forgiveness and a desire to not only be better but to seek understanding from others as they also walk their imperfect journeys. I will try to remain open when my instinct is to close off. I will love when it is difficult to love. I may not always feel strong, but I will be forgiving of myself when I feel weak and will allow myself the time and space to build that strength back up.

Part of forgiveness is practicing gratitude. Gratitude is the antidote to cynicism, greed, and negativity. If we practice gratitude on a regular basis, that is what builds the strength to push forward, to forgive, and to get on with living our best lives. Things that I am grateful for as I enter this new decade: a family who loves me and puts my well-being before anything else; a daughter who continues to impress me every day with her kindness, intelligence, and selflessness; an ex-husband who continues to be an amazing father and good friend; a job that continues to provide for me in times of uncertainty; a manager and coworkers who make my job tolerable and even enjoyable; a body that continues to love me even when I don’t love it…that never fails me despite its persistent attempts to correct my mistreatment of it; and I am grateful for a mind that stays open and inclusive of all beings, despite others’ influence and misdirection due to hurts, misgivings, delusions, tribal thinking, or any influence that takes them away from the true purpose of relationship.

2020 vision isn’t possible, but every attempt at living a perfect year anyway is a blessing and an admirable goal. Just don’t forget to be forgiving when the inevitable mistakes and missteps are made. We are all human and, therefore, we are all fallible. One thing I can guarantee this year is that I will always attempt to understand and forgive. I wish you all a prosperous, loving, and forgiving 2020.