I divorced my husband when I was 32; we separated at 30. I had been with him since I was 17. I was a very genuine, yet naïve, person back then. I still believed in fairy tales, which is why it took me so long to give up on my marriage. When I finally realized I would only be happy if I walked away from my marriage of 10 years, it was a decision I made out of necessity. But I was still devastated. As I entered the dating world, I quickly learned how much I did not know about not only dating, but about men. I learned that dating is a game and that you run across so many men who don’t have your best interest at heart and aren’t looking for a real connection. I learned what it means to be shallow. This is not something I understood and, quite frankly, still don’t understand. I don’t know what it means to be shallow. Every relationship I put effort into has a deep meaning for me. Every person I choose to let into my world is someone I will always value and love. If they don’t reciprocate, I very reluctantly let them go because I don’t know how to do “casual.” This goes for friendships, lovers, mentors, teachers…any type of relationship I have.

Over the past few years, I have been through many new relationships. Every single one has been impactful and the majority of them have been long-lasting. However, I have also been very hurt in a few of them. I struggle with holding on to my undying faith in love, and sometimes I find myself feeling cynical and damaged. I have been an optimist my whole life, but sometimes catch myself in negative cycles where I become less than the person I should be. I become petty and reactive instead of loving and forgiving. My naiveté has worn off somewhat, but I long to get some of it back. I feel as if giving in to cynicism makes me lose a part of myself that I don’t want to lose. The point is that we’re all damaged in some way. We’ve all had heartbreak and disappointment, but there is no point in dwelling on it or assuming we are destined for failure. The beauty of life is that we get to start over every single day. I try to remind myself of that when I am low. I watch the innocence of my daughter playing volleyball in the sand at age 9, and I just want to weep with joy because she has her whole life ahead of her…a life of love, struggle, learning, joy, happiness, achievement, failure, disappointment, regret, friendship, and perseverance. How beautiful it is to know that she will grow in her own way and in her own time…and I am here to help her navigate her life and be the most authentic person she can be. My struggles will be a map for me to teach my daughter how to navigate her life. Sure, she will have to figure some of it out on her own, but hopefully I can explain some things and be a shoulder to cry on for the unexplainable that is inevitable in life. If there is anything I’ve learned over the last 10 years or so, it is that we always have a choice to love or be cynical. Regardless of the pain and disappointment I’ve been through in my life so far, at the end of the day I will always choose love. The key is to embrace it where it finds you. I have so much love around me; I just have to open my eyes and my heart to see it. Sometimes it involves other people…like my daughter, the cashier at the store who tells a joke or gives me a smile, the friend who calls out of the blue, or the parent who stops by to give me a hand. But sometimes it is simply self-love…giving myself a break when I feel low and can’t get out of bed or going for that run at dusk to wash away the stress of the day. Embracing the life we have and the reality around us is part of fully embracing love and washing away cynicism.

There are certain things in my life I will never completely understand, but as long as I always come back to center, I know I will be fine. Center is that place inside me that knows who I am and what I am about. Regardless of what happens in any day, week, or month, I know that who I am inside is beautiful and good. So if I have a bad day at work, or I have a disagreement with a friend, or I get my heart broken into pieces; as soon as I find my center, I am relieved of any pain. This is where my faith lies. I am not a religious person, but I have an undying faith in life and in love. God is at the center of my being. So no matter how damaged I feel in any given day, all I have to do is remember that at my center is God and God is love. Mistakes can be washed away so that only love resides.

Cynicism comes from fear. I have learned in my late 30s that there is absolutely nothing to fear in life. What will be will be. I only have so much control over this life. What I do have control of is my reaction to the things that happen to me. I don’t always react in the most loving way because I have allowed fear to take hold. Some of those reactions come from learned behavior in childhood…defense mechanisms to protect me from perceived pain. But in most cases, defense mechanisms are just armor that hinder our ability to love. If we drop the armor, we can see with clear eyes that there is never anything to fear. People can only hurt us if we allow them to. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to hurt us; they are trying to avoid their own pain. And sometimes their pain gets projected onto us. But we have a choice to react in a loving way…to disarm them and help their healing process. As we heal others, we heal ourselves. I talk big, but I am just as guilty of throwing those weapons out when I too am experiencing fear. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. To be afraid is human, but it is still a choice we can deny every single day if we choose to. I am damaged in many ways, but I choose to heal myself with love. The way we heal ourselves with love is by giving it away. Be love to others; be love to everyone you meet. Be love to those who’ve harmed you in some way. Just be love. Forget about politics and religion and competition and feuds. Drop your armor and just be open to the possibilities. If we all did this, just imagine what this world could be. The potential I see in it is astounding. But to learn more about my thoughts on potential…read my essay entitled “The Potential Lie.”