This year has turned out to be the year of slowing down and processing my world. It wasn’t planned; it was more forced upon me when my body gave out and told me I needed to take a minute to assess what it truly needed; my neck seized up and my nagging shoulder injury wasn’t responding to the usual treatments. So I stopped everything…I quit my gym, took a month off from working out, went on long slow walks, and indulged. I have slowly worked my way into a less strenuous workout routine. I do more isometrics, slower based body weight strength training, and I am back to running two to three times per week. Running has always been more meditative, and I am realizing how much I have missed it. But this slowing down has forced me to assess everything in my life and why I do it. At forty-five, I am growing to appreciate this slower pace. I am not obsessing over sculpting a perfect body (or at least trying not to obsess about it in this body-obsessed world we live in); rather, I am learning to embrace my fat roll above my c-section scar. I am choosing to enjoy that piece of cake instead of worrying that my belly will press against my waistband in ways that used to make me squirm with disgust. Rather than rushing off to the gym to get my daily workout in over lunch, I am making a daily determination if a workout is even necessary on that day. Some days I go on a walk instead or I grab my book and sit on my deck to read in that hour. I am listening to what both body and mind together need and want. 

I have always been on the intellectual side of the spectrum, but I am also a social creature; so balancing my alone time with my social time has been a challenge. As I grow older I am realizing I need less social time and more solo time reserved for thinking, processing, reading, and re-energizing myself for the outside world. Where I used to overschedule myself to stay busy (a form of numbing my emotions and feelings), I now create space to feel and process things. The challenge has been getting rid of the guilt of using my time this way, not being “productive.” That outdated type of thinking isn’t useful to me any longer. I have a job where I make money, and I have reserved hours for that. Anything I produce for myself was meant to be put out into the world and anything I don’t produce will be created by someone else, synthesizing and alchemizing something new from everything that has already been created. This interconnectedness is becoming more difficult to ignore, how we are all dependent on each other and everything built is an extension of what previous generations built. I don’t have to carry the responsibility of some arbitrary legacy to leave. That’s not my job. My job is to exist, to be, to be awake in the moment, and to love. That isn’t to say my life doesn’t have intention. Quite the opposite, I have more intention to live my life with purpose…to meet the present moment and honor it. Sure, I still set goals, but they are more flexible and forgiving, and they leave room for creativity and the ability to respond to energy and environment. 

Love is a somewhat elusive idea. We get so caught up in our egos that we miss the real thing. Most people don’t realize that we can create love out of nothing; that is God. Self-love is that little place within us where the soul resides, whispering little sweet nothings into our ears. But the only way we will hear it is if we stop and sit still long enough to be aware of it. And when we find that little voice, we become unstoppable. Because once we have that self-love, we understand that love is actually infinite, literally all around us, and meant to be harnessed. We harness love by softening ourselves, our reactions, our responses…we learn to forgive, to show kindness, to practice empathy, and to create space for others so they can slow down long enough to hear the little voice in their ears as well. We spread love little by little, one person at a time. We practice forgiveness when we falter, and we try again the next day because love is about trying more than anything else. No human is perfect, but the progress is in the trying. My journey down this road of trying has brought me so much contentment. Through all the learning, heartache, confusion, and tears, I have made my way towards a clear path. I don’t know where it leads, but I know that I will be able to face all of it with grace. I have proven to myself that we are all redeemable, forgivable, lovable, and worth all the hard work it takes to get here. I know this isn’t the end of my journey; it’s just the beginning. I will still falter, still cry, still writhe in discomfort during difficult and confusing times, but I also know I have the strength and wherewithal to get through all of it. I repeat myself a lot when I write but that is because I write to teach myself and then reiterate lessons that I don’t always fully grasp the first, second, or even third time I write them down. Learning is a lot like grief….we are on a spectrum of knowledge that takes us on a ride, sometimes re-laying paths we’ve already forged, often reliving the lessons over and over again. Some traumas that need to be healed lie deeper than others. But the point is the grace of it all…the acceptance, the love, and the trying. 

Romantic love has also eluded me thus far, but my divorce taught me that love is just love. I have said this many times as well, but we express love differently with different people; however, the actual love is the same. My love for my ex shifted into a deeper, more brotherly love. It didn’t go away. I sometimes get confused by romantic love. I certainly feel sexual attraction for certain men, and that attraction, many say, is mistaken for love. I disagree. I think we are attracted to people for many reasons. I believe in energy or chemistry that draws us towards certain people, but we feel that in friendships as well. The sexual attraction is something else, but when acted upon, it creates a connection just like any interaction with another human being that draws us closer together. That connection allows love to deepen (at least it does if you are awake and open to it). But, again, love is still just love. Just because love deepens or sexual attraction persists does not mean we should be in an actual romantic partnership with someone. I don’t think we have a choice in either attraction or love, but we do have a choice in whether or not we continue a relationship with someone. That is what makes relationships so difficult. Both parties have to be on the same page, want the same things, feel the same pull towards choosing a partnership with each other. This is where the lesson of letting go comes in. Don’t let go of the love (I almost never do), but we must let go of the control or the need for a desired outcome. That is not up to us. The choice two people make to be together is extremely special, especially when the relationship is grounded in realness, maturity, growth, and acceptance, where both people are solid within themselves while choosing to invest in each other. I think having a partnership like that is also quite rare. I do hope one day I meet someone amazing that results in us choosing each other; I want that more than anything. But that isn’t within my control. All I can do is prepare myself for the real deal by continuing to work on myself, to love myself, and intentionally bathe in the contentment of the life I have built. 

One issue I can control and  am currently working on is finding my self that used to laugh and “play.” The Trump years were difficult for me. Let’s be honest, the Trump years were difficult for most people. The pandemic exacerbated that difficult time. When we feel unsafe, we go into survival mode, and we all cope in different ways. I did what I always do to cope: I educated myself, I wrote, and I went inward. As I/we heal from the trauma of the last decade (and, yes, it was traumatic…between Trump, the pandemic, the protests, the insurrection), I am trying to remember the side of me that knows how to have fun, let loose, to laugh and play…to find the joy in life again. It’s been more difficult than I thought it would be to be honest. But I am slowly but surely remembering what makes me happy, what brings joy, and what brings my childlike self to the surface. But I am trying to do it without bringing my neuroses along with it. For instance, I love sports and competing. I am athletic and have always been active, but I don’t want to jump into some insane goal that will take over my life the way goals I set tend to do. I love to write, but I am not jumping back into writing classes full tilt. I am balancing out a class at a time with breaks in between. I am also trying to balance time with my friends, which inevitably includes drinking. I am still playing around with the idea of becoming totally sober. Honestly, I don’t really want to…I want to be able to have a few drinks here and there, but I also know how bad it is for me…and I am not getting any younger. So…I am still feeling that one out. And I don’t want to numb my feelings anymore, using alcohol as a way to unleash my true inner self. I want to give myself permission to be myself with or without alcohol…a self I have somewhat suppressed since childhood and especially in my teen years. My therapist thinks that I drink as a way to be more myself, to let that true self out and give her permission to be loud and fun and uninhibited. I’m working on it…it’s a process like anything else in life that is difficult to work through…but at least I am trying. 

And so…this summer is going to be therapeutic for me. I am going to listen to my wants and desires, try to find the joy within and bring it to the surface, and focus on what matters in life: love, joy, people, peace, nature, movement, thinking, slowing down, and being present. This is my reminder, a marker for June 1st, the start of summer. May we all love and grow and be…may we all at least try.