I am forty-five years old today. It is absolutely gorgeous outside, and I am taking advantage as I sit on my deck writing this. I believe age is only a number and time a construct; however, it is nice to mark another year and hold space to think about its significance in my growth and development as a human on this precious earth. One of the ways I have improved my life over the years is in living every part of it with intention. By that I mean that not only do I set goals, but I have grown to understand the reason behind every goal I set and every act I make. Living a life of intention is about understanding the why behind everything I do. We can’t live lives of integrity without understanding the core of who we are and the reasons we behave and act as we do. As we age we develop principles that we adhere to and build those principles around our learned sense of ethics and morals. When we run into hard times, it can be more difficult adhering to said principles, but aging (aka experience) allows us the long view of our decisions and the consequences that will likely follow. 

Living a life of intention has taught me to not take the people in my life for granted. I think I have always been an extremely loyal person in general, but as I have aged I understand to a greater degree the importance of appreciating the love in my life from all directions…love in all its forms. I am truly grateful for a family that invests in each other despite our differences and holds space for each of us to shine in our own ways. That bond is irreplaceable and should never be taken for granted. The heartbeat of my family is time spent together, and we all make the effort. I am truly appreciative of that because I don’t think all families do, and I certainly don’t say enough how grateful I am for my parents and siblings. We have our challenges like any family, but we work through them and cherish each other anyway.

I have friends from all eras of my life and many regions of the country, some outside the country. I can easily say that the love and appreciation I have for my friends is immense. We get to choose our friends and that so many amazing people choose to stay in touch and spend their time freely with me is an honor I do not take lightly. I don’t think words can even explain that gratitude and love I hold for each of you. It brings me to tears because love, connection, and time together is truly all that matters in this one precious life. If there was one thing I always understood about living, it is that. It is the reason I work so hard to mend and repair relationships that fracture for one reason or another. It is the reason I am still friends with my ex-husband. Sure, there is added incentive in our daughter, but he knows me on a level that no one else ever will because he knew me as far back as my teens and walked with me through all the transitions from being a kid to becoming an adult, professional, and mother. His perspective is priceless, and I will always value it as I do him for continuing to be my friend, confidante, and coparent. I am deeply grateful for his humility, patience, forgiveness, and love.

And finally, I am so incredibly grateful for the growth in my relationship with myself. It is the most important one after all. I am truly at a place of contentment that runs deep within my soul. That does not mean I don’t feel pain or have dark moments; I certainly do. But I have walked through enough dark times to understand that darkness is temporary and light always wins out in the end. And my light shines pretty bright these days. I have put in decades of work to flush out the trauma of my past and the confusing emotions that inevitably wash over me as they do everybody. 

I am also very clear in my understanding that I will never have everything figured out; I will constantly be challenged to grow, elevate, and work through complex emotions. The beauty of getting older is that I become better at it with each passing day and every difficult situation. I understand that each day truly is a gift, not guaranteed, but beautiful nonetheless. I will continue to make mistakes, be hard on myself, struggle with certain relationships, and deal with bad days. That is a given. When I fall on those more difficult times, I reach deep within myself and pull out all the lessons, reminders, advice, and love that have guided me here to this moment. I express gratitude for all of it because I refuse to sleep through life, hiding from those dark parts, fearing what is meant to be freed. When we hide from our dark parts, we miss the good stuff…the substance that we are truly made of…the proof that we are an integral part of this world and meant to be here…the knowledge that we are love and were sent to earth to feel that love, be that love, and shine it outward. We can’t know that power unless we look at our shadow, the deep foundation that underpins our existence. We shouldn’t be afraid of those parts because, once given our light, they will ultimately set us free…because that is where love emanates from. That combination of light and dark is our authentic self, and its alchemy when merged is magic. I believe we were all born as forces for good…but when we get in our own way and run from our pain, we cause more pain instead of getting free from it. The most courageous who walk the earth understand this and live their best lives. 

My focus over the past eighteen years has been growing into the best version of myself possible so that I could be a role model for my daughter. I want to model for her what it means to live a full and meaningful life. I have struggled this past year to define what that will look like going forward as she becomes more independent and nearer the edge of that nest. She will fly away, off to college in one more year. I am so proud of her for who she has become. She is strong, kind, intelligent, empathetic, and unique. She is not afraid to be who she is and stand on her own principles. She lives a life of intention already in ways I didn’t understand at her age. I have struggled this past year because, although I will always be her mom, she doesn’t need me in the same way anymore. I have raised her…this absolutely breathtaking and amazing human. I made mistakes and she will likely need therapy to work through some of those one day, but I am confident I have given her the necessary tools and the love she has needed to go make a beautiful life for herself, one she can forge on her own terms. 

So, here I am at forty-five. I am at that point of life where I feel a certain freedom I’ve never felt before even if it is daunting at times. I get to create new life again, this time in the form of birthing myself…my post-child rearing life. I get to create a new definition of self and purpose. I get to fly from the nest, too. Wherever this journey takes me, I vow to live it with an open heart, free from fear, full of love, and always with both intention and gratitude.