I have been struggling with my body the last few days…literally-speaking. I feel like it is revolting against me. It started this past Wednesday after some dry needling into my suboccipital muscles. My neck and upper back started getting really sore and eventually locked up to the point where I wasn’t able to move my head back and forth. I have been in pain for the last three days, not able to fully sleep, carrying around a heating pad wherever I venture in my house. I went to PT the morning after and got an hour and a half massage today followed by an hour of ice and another hour of heat to the area. I am mostly just praying I am healthy by the time I leave for an 8-day cruise to the South Caribbean next Friday.

On this last day of 2022 before we enter a new year, and as I reflect back while writing my annual review, I can’t help but take this all as a sign that I may need to focus primarily on self-care in the coming year. I don’t mean the everyday run-of-the-mill self care that is preached about from all our chosen self-help gurus. I don’t mean the “eat well, get enough sleep, move your body every day” type of self-care that should be a daily ingrained habit by this point (and it is…for the most part). What I am talking about is the type of self-care that requires me to go deep into the crevices of my soul, digging around for the seeds that were planted at my birth, the promise of what and who I was meant to be, to resurrect my true purpose and remind myself what truly matters in life. It sounds like a mid-life crisis I know, but that is way too generic and limiting. In fact, my growth has been constant throughout the years, even if certain periods of my life have been progressively faster and more abundant than others. What hasn’t happened yet is the paradigm shift that takes me fully out of the egocentric plane and into a plane of existence that doesn’t require that illusion of certainty or validation. I have experienced snippets of it, but I want to live on that plane the majority of the time. Isn’t that the goal? To be okay with the uncertainty of life and even thrive because of who we are at our core?

No matter how many books I read on philosophy, Buddhism, spirituality, manifestation, etc (the list goes on and on), eventually I have to get to the heart of existence on my own. I have to put down the books (which are my security blanket) and look fully inward. That has been a challenge for me in some ways. Not in taking accountability for myself in all things nor in finding joy in solitude (of which I have mastered both) but, rather, in finding true and whole-hearted self-love and acceptance. I still find the practice of meditation challenging and become easily distracted by time suckers like social media, worry, and indulging in practices of division as opposed to connection. The truth is we are wired for connection but many times reach for it in the wrong places, in places that seek to divide us. We are wired for anxiety and easily find tools that stoke it instead of ease it. Finding solace becomes a conscious choice. 

I have never much enjoyed small talk or social minutia. I learned at an early age how to fit in, be congenial, get along…but I never felt true satisfaction among social interactions unless we were connecting on a meaningful level, discussing big questions, seeking deeper understanding of ourselves and others. I have always operated on the fringes of social groups in fear of being labeled or pigeon-holed, almost resisting belonging even as I sought to be understood. This has been my challenge in life…to find that happy medium between solitude, connection, and purpose. As I review this past year, what I have been realizing is that I have reached another inflection point in my personal development that is saying to my being, “It is again time to level up and leave your past self behind; you are ready for the next step in your journey.” That probably sounds cheesy, but recognizing these moments requires action, and I think it is helpful to say it out loud, acknowledge it, and then make plans for the future that will allow that growth. My bodily issues are my outer self screaming at my inner self to make the necessary changes that will nourish me in the next few years and propel me towards the next great chapter of my life.

This past year has been a struggle on many fronts, the biggest being a feeling of empty nest syndrome. When my daughter turned sixteen, my world changed. She no longer needed me in ways she used to. She was wholly independent and operated as such. I see her much less now, and although she will always have some level of need for her mother, she does not need me on a day-to-day basis in order to succeed in life. In many ways, my job is done; I have raised her. I wasn’t expecting this to come quite so soon. I thought it would come when she left for college, but it happens sooner…when teenagers have the freedom of the car, their own method of transportation, and a motivation of needing to assert their independence and spread their wings. It’s a natural progression. Needless to say, I was not prepared for this. So I have had to get creative in how I bond and connect with her, even to the point where I was writing her letters (yes, with pen and paper) and arranging dinner dates. I even suffered through several anime shows with her just to spend time with her. I am not opposed to bribery to gain a teen’s attention haha. 

Dating has also been an adventure. I had made a decision that it was time to find a life partner, motivated partly by the empty nest syndrome spoken of previously. Although I have dated on and off for over a decade, this was a very concerted effort consisting of dating sites and time blocked off in my schedule to see people…very intentionally. What I learned…again (as this is a lesson that keeps popping up for me)…is that when I focus on dating with an end goal of partnership, it creates way too much pressure on both parties to define it which, in turn, causes me unneeded and unwanted anxiety, which then puts me in a position to become cloudy-headed that ultimately results in bad judgments and decisions. Anything that is forced and doesn’t happen organically simply doesn’t work for me…never has and never will. So I end up making concessions because, after all, we all have certain needs that we want to fill. But the reality is when we compromise what we truly want and need in a partner, it never ends well. So I am putting dating aside for now (again) and coming back to my own center…which leads me back to self-care.

So what does self-care look like? For me, it is about living my life with intention. I have set some goals for 2023: I am taking more direct action towards a life-long goal of writing a book. I am going back to graduate school to finish my Advanced Writing Certificate of which I am only a couple classes shy. I am listening to my body and changing up my workout goals. I plan to wind down on CrossFit to give my body a break and focus more on both weightlifting and running. I haven’t had running in my life for a long time, but I miss it. I plan to train for a 10k this summer as a way to focus my training and provide consistency so that I stay on track. I will continue to see a new therapist who is helping me work through some age-old feelings of unworthiness, created in childhood, that manifest in my life in different ways (of which I won’t write about here). None of us are immune to childhood traumas that follow us into adulthood; I am no exception. And, lastly, I am really trying to build a meditation practice. I know it is supposed to do wonders for our internal health, but I have always struggled with it. So that will continue to be a focus. I know it requires a commitment, like anything else. I just have to find that place within that sticks with it and allows the practice to blossom.

Because I am an intellectual, I am always contemplating the why of life. I often wonder what the purpose of all this is. It can lead me to some dark places, but it can also lead me to enlightening ones. What I always come back to is nurturing the relationship with myself, first and foremost, as well as the connections I have with those I love. Those relationships are what make everything worthwhile, what bring joy and purpose to my life. With that in mind, I wish you all a year of growth and intention. We will all have ups and downs; just remember that the ups never feel as wonderful without those pesky downs. I hope you all have yourselves a year filled with positive connections, authentic love in all forms, and several goals reached. That is what marks a good year, despite the inevitable downs that come with it. Happy 2023!