My body is rigid, my smile painted on.

It isn’t fake but forced a little, 

Eyes holding back a wave of emotion only reserved for private moments.

I carry a sack of melancholy on my back, knowing I have disappointed some and not lived up to expectations of others.

Those two things are different….

One says I did something looked down upon,

The other says I didn’t do enough to meet their wants.

Who is they? Anyone and everyone that matters to me.

This is the curse of perfectionism, an ailment never defeated but always improved upon.

Sometimes I deny it exists and rely on my positive self-talk, convincing myself that I don’t set too high of standards or that I am good enough and trying my best.

Other times I give myself grace and soothe my anxiety with both self-love and occasional alcohol.

Once in a while I beat myself up and lecture myself to stop trying to meet some arbitrary summit or pretend it is possible to ever have everything figured out.

But rarely do I cry, allowing the dam to break, letting go of the pain, frustration, anxiety, confusion, anger, and sadness that must be released in order to breathe, to grow, to flourish. 

With that flood of tears, tension oozes out of my body, slowly melting, becoming groundwater. 

As I lay in my puddle of anguish, I remember that perfectionism is about control, and that control is an illusion.

We all have vices of control: some use religion, others use strict or busy schedules, yet others use food, but I use perfectionism.

I set goals or arbitrary standards of what I am meant to accomplish as a buffer against the unknown, feeling calmer in my attempt to achieve something. 

Instead of living in the certain present and bathing in all its gifts, I continuously look back at my regrets of the past or forward with worry at the pace of time and what I haven’t yet accomplished or experienced.

The only time truly wasted is all the hours spent in regret & sadness of the past and the worry & anxiety of the future, a part of life that hasn’t been written yet.

The only thing that matters is the present moment and all the ways we can draw love from that moment. 

If we aren’t drawing love from it, we are wasting it…because it’s all we’ve truly got. 

It’s okay to recall the past, sometimes necessary, but we don’t have to live in it.

It’s okay to ponder the future, also necessary, but we shouldn’t dwell on it.

We should take note of those thoughts, let them pass, then breathe deeply in the present. 

My favorite method of breathing, also known as a form of meditation, is coming to awareness and then expressing gratitude.

I believe the build up and release of tension is a cycle of life, much like waves that roll in, gaining momentum, and then crashing on the beach.

Rather than fear those moments, we should embrace their inevitable release. 

Stoicism is also an illusion because humans are meant to have and show emotions.

Much like that wave that builds and builds, creating that swell of tension,

Eventually, it has to crash and settle into that sand or rocky ground where it can regain its purpose.

I carry my personal stoicism behind my eyes, on my shoulders, in my gut, bracing myself for the crash. 

Only a few times in my life have I crashed in public (usually with alcohol involved), always reserving it for a private moment. 

But who are crashes meant for? Who in your life can you be so vulnerable with that you let them see your crash?

If you want to know who is meant for you, it is those people…the ones who share your tears, who pull you off the ground, who reserve judgment and see your worth and humanity.

Pay close attention to who those people are because your relationship with them means more than any accomplishment, any goal achieved, or any summit climbed. 

As an ambivert, someone socially skilled but naturally introverted, it’s easy for me to cultivate friendships yet keep them at arm’s length.

I don’t let people in too deep, and to be honest, I am drowning in my lonely tears of solitude, because I fear the thought of someone truly knowing me.

I have been burned too many times to give anyone that power again. 

I have learned self-love and not to care what other people think.

But then something happens, and I gain feelings of care for a person, and that changes me into someone who does care what they think. 

That vulnerability is important but shouldn’t be given away lightly.

I guess life is about figuring out that balance. It’s about knowing when to trust and when not to…and yet…

We can’t take the leap of trust without faith.

Damn that word “faith.”

I believe faith comes down to truly knowing ourselves and believing in our own ability to survive and to thrive, regardless of what life brings.

And so, there is a place for stoicism so long as we trust ourselves to release when the time calls for it…to give ourselves permission to crash into our reality and our truth…and to allow our emotions to be felt…by us as well as others.

To emote is to be human and to feel the full spectrum of emotions…but the greatest of these is love…

And love isn’t felt in times of reservation, rigidity, or stoicism. 

Love can only be felt when we let go of control and allow the love both out and in.

If love is the true goal, then let that wave crash.