I have spent my entire life searching for my “purpose,” the reason I am here, the trajectory my life is supposed to take…as if it is somehow written in the stars and I just have to learn how to read the astrological patterns in the sky. Of course, I don’t actually believe this but I think, subconsciously, I have been living my life thinking that I will somehow figure it out if I work hard enough and learn enough about myself and the world/universe. 

One of the ways I have tried to do this is identifying my passions. My focus has always been on learning, reading, researching, studying, and writing. I used to think I somehow needed to channel these passions into a career in order to live my purpose. Then, when I realized that my path wasn’t going to bring me to a professorship or even a writing career, I found a living that could allow me to provide for myself and my daughter, and I turned my attention to using my talents/passions as a hobby. So I have been channeling those passions into a blog, social media posts that attempt to bring truth to a platform rife with bad information, and most recently in a podcast. I only started the podcast because a friend challenged me to do it. His vision of me and my voice was through a medium that in his mind was reaching more people and took advantage of my “visual assets.” He had been pushing me to do it for years and years, and I finally decided to give it a try. But it makes me uncomfortable. I have never felt comfortable in front of a camera. I feel I belong in front of a keyboard, behind my words…crafted through careful thought. I have to rely on language rather than personality…much more my gear. In the meantime, I have also recently come out of a period of dating, a process I am also not comfortable with and never have been. Coming to a kind of end to that process for the time being, I have been doing a lot of reflecting about what I should be doing with my time and why. 

I am taking this time to do some deep reflection about what it is I truly want in my life versus what I am doing because my old self thought it was my path. Old ways of thinking have little usefulness. The truth is…writing was never actually my dream. Writing was and is my tool, a necessity, to understand and comprehend what is happening to me in my life. It is a survival mechanism for me, but growing up it was never my aspiration to be a writer. Growing up it was my aspiration to be a teacher. Ever since I was in third grade, teaching is what I wanted to do. But when I came to student teaching and then regular classroom teaching, I had some bad experiences and very little support. I got out of teaching by accident but never went back because the corporate world offered more money and less stress. Twenty plus years later, I don’t necessarily want to go back to teaching, but I want to consider what my new dream is. My old dream was to become a teacher, have a family, and live happily ever after with the white picket fence, like my parents. But as an adult, you realize pretty quickly that the white picket fence theory is a sham and that life is what we make it. There may be some happy endings but not without difficult choices, struggles, and bumps along the way.

So what is my dream now? Truly…my dream is to continue being the author of my own life, providing a decent living so I can have some semblance of financial security along with work/life balance. I can check that one off the list. My other dream is to find a partner to share this life with…someone who makes me feel so secure in their love for me that I can flourish and relax into myself, no longer feeling that constant need to search. We constantly hear from self-help gurus that we have to be wholeheartedly comfortable alone before we can be equipped to be with someone else. Although I agree that we need some degree of independence and a firm identity of a sovereign self, I also feel that we were not meant to be alone. We are meant to couple up and have someone to depend on. Coupling is a natural state of being human. There is no shame in wanting that for ones’ self, and I proudly admit it. I know I am missing out on that beautiful aspect of living on this earth. I have been missing out on it for a long time. There was a time to be single and independent, but now it is time to share my life and to enjoy the beauty that is romantic partnership. 

It turns out my dreams are pretty simple. Unfortunately, I have so very little control over that dream of finding a partner who is compatible with me and who will love me in the same way I love them. And this…the lesson of letting go…is where I constantly find myself. It is the quintessential human lesson. It is the reason we build religions and ideologies. The meaning of life requires us to let go…but to let go requires Faith. The paradox is that trying to define Faith is another form of control. Religion is just humanity’s attempt at controlling what happens to us in this life and beyond by defining it. So we aren’t exactly learning the lesson through Faith. It is why faith should be defined with a small “f” rather than a capital one. Faith (small f) is the ability to let go and understand that what will be, will be. We don’t have the answers and we never will, but we will be okay. We have to be comfortable living in the questions because there are some questions that will never be answered. I may never reach my dream, and that makes me sad. But does that mean my life doesn’t have meaning or purpose? Of course not. We make meaning and purpose with every interaction we have with others and with our art, our poetry, our music, and our contributions to society…even through our mundane jobs and our relationships. Our purpose is whatever we make it. Our legacy is in every single way we relate to the world…through relationships with people, through conservation, through our perspectives both experienced and shared. I think I am ready to stop trying so hard to make an impact and, rather, start living, traveling, interacting, loving, and just being. I’ll never not be an intellectual; it’s who I am. I will never stop contemplating the big questions or trying to problem-solve the big issues we face, but I don’t need to constantly produce something. It is enough just to exist…to breathe…to be grateful…and to rest.