We are missing honest conversations in this world: in relationships, in politics, and in our relationship with the spiritual realm. Most of us are too afraid to have honest conversations because it means we might have to change how we think or view the world. We might have to get uncomfortable and confront qualities or issues we don’t like about or within ourselves. We might actually be forced to grow…emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Growth inevitably means change; it means our world will expand. It won’t stay the same; it can’t. We will lose people in our life, and for a time we will feel increasingly isolated and alone. That is the most critical time where we learn to love and accept ourselves and to cherish that time, learning how to go deep within and trust that person, the only one we can truly count on. But then something magical happens, and we begin to attract those who belong to us, who understand us, and who help us to raise our frequency to a higher level.

If we lack the ability to have honest conversations…with ourselves, our friends, our coworkers, our peers, it prevents us from the ability to understand and have empathy. We make assumptions about others that lead to hurt and misunderstanding. I am consciously aware of the damage assumptions can do, which is why I try never to assume anything in a relationship but, rather, seek clarification in all situations. If there’s potential for hurt or misunderstanding, I clarify and bring everything out into the open. Our silos of experience limit our understanding of others and cut us off from growth and empathy; carrying a belief of absolute right shuts off our growth and empathy; and our fear of conflict and uncomfortability limits our growth and empathy. So we must be deliberate in our seeking, in our inquiry, in our honesty.

I will give two recent examples of this to clarify what I mean, leaving out a personal example as I don’t want to call anyone out whom I know personally:

My first example deals with how we approach societal issues in our politics. We have recently had a string of tragedies in the form of gun violence in this country, mass shootings in schools, grocery stores, cemeteries, and even hospitals. Gun proponents have given “solutions” such as providing fewer entrances into facilities (which are fire hazards and one shooting took place outside) and arming professionals such as teachers and now, apparently, doctors and grocery store clerks. I wonder if any of these anti-gun reform citizens have thought to ask teachers how they feel about arming themselves while trying to teach and nurture young children, especially given that they don’t trust teachers to actually teach as it is. The truth is that 90% of Americans believe in some sort of gun reform, but the gun lobby and other special interest groups have bought our politicians and paid for a pushed narrative towards those who are most vulnerable to hear it, a narrative that speaks to an identity…holding the rest of the country hostage to this absurd gun violence. With a vast majority of people wanting compromise, how do we reach that select few who hold all the power to see compromise, understanding, empathy? To be an absolutist of the bastardized 2nd amendment without concessions for policy that could prevent the murders of our children is to be complicit in those murders because they lack the ability to share in our mutual understanding about not only facts but even just a capacity to TRY something, anything that could lower the incidences of gun violence in this country. Continuing to do nothing is pure insanity. To break out of this insanity, we have to begin having honest conversations about the seriousness of the problem and possible solutions, but the terrible few in power who do nothing won’t even have the conversation. 

My second example leads me to existential questions about faith and religion. We all have different experiences and paths that we walk on our spiritual journeys. It is maybe the most complex topic to discuss and reach agreement because so much of our belief systems operate on faith, influence, experience, and intangible emotions and thoughts. It is difficult to separate societal and institutional indoctrination and emotional connection from facts and logic…and it is difficult to know how much weight to give each. This is why it is maybe most important in this specific arena to listen to others’ experiences and give them room to question ours. As soon as any one person claims an absolute truth about God or an afterlife, that person has shut down any ability, not only to grow and empathize, but to consider another experience and any room for that person’s truth to come forward in the conversation. Honest conversations mean setting aside your experience long enough to hear another person’s. The subsequent important step is to believe that person’s experience for what it is and to see their humanity. Even if you see flaws in it, is their experience not as valid as yours for where they’re at? Our politics need to reflect our people, and they must have the ability to meet people where they are, leaving room for representation among a pluralistic society. When our politics become absolutist and limiting (in essence, a theocracy), we create unrest in these societies and they begin to revolt. There is no place for authoritarian views. We must give people access to live their lives as freely as possible, without the threat of guns, forced birth, forced religion, or a limiting voice through voter suppression. Defining a free society starts with choice and having honest conversations help us all see why choice matters.

I believe fear limits our ability to be honest, to grow, to level up. We’re afraid of rocking the boat, making people uncomfortable or angry, and losing important people in our lives. But that’s going to happen anyway…why not choose honesty and integrity? At least you aren’t betraying yourself. Living our own truth is the most freeing existence, and it allows us to get very clear about what and who matters most in our lives. And I cannot stress enough that living in our truth and speaking it openly actually builds trust in others because they don’t have to worry about stepping over a line if they are confident that we will communicate what that line is. In such cases there is no assuming or guessing about intent; there is only relief in knowing we can trust that person to keep their line. If we all held ourselves to that standard, we would start holding others to the same standard. This would lead to more love, more empathy, and more connection…a thread of strength that would limit misunderstanding which in turn would limit violence and fear. We don’t alienate friends we consider allies, we don’t shoot up communities we trust, and we don’t block ideologies from people we consider family. We try to build bridges, not walls. We should actively seek to expand our tent, not limit it. We should reach out to those who confuse us because they may see issues or situations in a different way, an alternate perspective that may open up our ability to relate to them. I don’t have all the answers, but I have found that the more open I am to the realities of what is and who people are, the more forgiving and gracious I have become…not just tolerant but gracious. The world we create around us starts with us…as well as our relationships with others on every level…friendships, coworkers, pastors, citizens, etc. Change is up to us.