I am listening to Sick of Myself by Matthew Sweet. It was the song that started my relationship with my first love and future husband, Dan. It always transports me back to the Summer of 1995, and puts me back in that frame of mind…how little I truly understood about love and life but, man, nothing compares to that first high school love. As I told my therapist, it was the only time in my life where I felt truly “free” in a love relationship, and where I could be one hundred percent myself. This was a love that spanned 15 years and a lifetime of friendship. One separation, one child, and one divorce later, I am still so grateful for that relationship. To be honest, I couldn’t have asked for a better first love. Did I miss a ton of red flags and did I fight way too long to save that marriage? Yes, absolutely. Do I have regrets? Not many. I regret some things I did to hurt my ex-husband, but I don’t regret what those mistakes taught me or all that the relationship brought to me: wisdom, grace, love, friendship, a daughter, subsequent friends, humility…all of it.

A decade since our divorce was finalized, I am still single. The past ten years have served to show me my independent self. I used the past decade to date, experiment, be a little wild, pursue lifelong goals like a Master’s degree and, ultimately, assert who I am in the world and harness my energy as a force to be reckoned with. I found my voice, I found financial independence, and I found my true self. I stepped out of codependency into true independence. I first went through vast amounts of pain and sorrow, and then I picked myself up and put myself out into the world to show it what I had to offer. I dated, I partied, I traveled, I had adventures, I established a career, and I proved to myself that I can make it on my own.

I can’t even begin to describe the lessons I have learned along the way, but the one that keeps asserting itself into my life is the lesson of trust. By trust I mean the ability to trust myself to be okay no matter what life throws at me and to trust that the universe will provide everything I need at the right time. I believe this, not because some religion told me to, but because we all must have an element of hope to continue along our path; we find hope through faith. There are no guarantees in this life, and we could be taken tomorrow; but I know that no matter what life brings, I have the capacity to handle it and, more importantly, to learn from it. So really faith is about trusting ourselves in the capacity to handle anything that comes our way and to set ourselves up for the best possible outcomes by making decisions that align with our values, goals, and desired path. I once wrote a blog post about how “God is You.” How I become close to God is from within, knowing myself and trusting that I have the answers deep within. Those answers can only come from a wellspring of humility and deep reflection. Trust is built as we continue to approach problems with that humble heart and a deep willingness to listen to what the universe is trying to tell us. This, I imagine, is why meditation is so important. I am not great at meditation, but it is a practice that can be honed even if never mastered. 

I was out with a friend last night who, quite honestly, is one of my few actively vocal cheerleaders in the world, who said that I continuously underestimate my abilities. I know he is right about this, but I have always been an overachieving perfectionist in order to prove my worth in the world, and I wonder if I use that knowledge as a crutch at this point. Since I know I can never achieve perfection and will likely fail at things I try (that I will eventually get better at with time and practice), I stick with what I am good or successful at and find it difficult to move myself into areas of discomfort where I might actually have to put myself out there and prove my talents further than I am comfortable with. And this friend made a good point (but no, Michael, you are still not always right): I will not improve in areas I want to pursue unless I put myself amongst my peers who can challenge me instead of hiding in the shadows. We all need mentors and peers who will push us into the next level of our craft. I don’t know what my next move is, but it is important that I move forward with intention in everything I do.

Elizabeth Gilbert (who wrote Eat, Pray, Love) often speaks of the importance of creation. She says that we are all creative and have the ability to create within us. Some of us choose to ignore this; others activate creativity on a regular basis. At the beginning of each day, we have a choice: we can create or we can destroy, but I believe in the power of creation and the mindset of abundance it inevitably generates within us. The act of creating is our soul coming through us and being exposed. Another nugget of wisdom from Ms. Liz Gilbert is that creating is an act of seeking. When we are seeking we are creating, which breeds understanding…understanding about life, about ourselves, and about our purpose. The act of creating brings us closer to Truth, and when we know Truth, only then can we trust. 

And so, trusting in myself means continuing to seek, to create, and to remain humble to the lessons, but it also means remaining open to all possibilities. I am always striving for love and passion…in work, in romance, in friendships, in life. Life really isn’t worth living without those two things. Today’s reminder: Always strive to create, and stay humble and open.