It has been a while since I wrote anything in this space. With the trauma of the last couple of years, one would think I would have written a ton because it is generally how I process my world and particularly my emotions. But instead I numbed myself with alcohol and streaming services. That seemed a much better way to cope with a pandemic and the chaos of our political and cultural environment over the past few years. As I engaged with the ever-increasing madness of political and cultural polarization, I simply wanted to shut down and feel nothing, and so I poured myself many glasses of wine, champagne, or beer to cope.

My drinking didn’t get out of control per se; I just developed more than a healthy tolerance and took to drinking more often than I usually do and in more volume throughout any given evening. What I have realized over time is that, not only does my body hate it, but I didn’t like waking up to a foggy memory and constant fatigue. So I made the decision recently to get sober. I am on day 25 of zero alcohol, and I have never felt better in my life. This is the best decision I have made in 2021 and probably in the last few years. More on that in a later post…

I am in a transition phase of my life again, something I go through every few years. This one was triggered by a relationship I entered into after being single (and, frankly, swearing off men) for two and a half years. I met this amazing person who happens to be highly sensitive, which is an amazing trait and something I wish I had realized and treated with care earlier. Between my drinking, numbing down of any emotion, and hard exterior towards welcoming any man into my life, naturally I screwed things up with him, and I discovered that I am a version of myself I don’t really like right now. What I awakened to was the realization that I have been grieving for quite some time. I have been grieving the loss of my best friend (who I had grown to depend on) to a distant location, the constant sense of urgency and turmoil with the pandemic, the BLM protests and subsequent attacks, the chaotic Trump presidency and response to the pandemic and, of course, the election fiasco and January 6th insurrection. I was also grieving the loss of time during lockdown and the trauma associated with a fear of the unknown related to life loss, job uncertainty, near-constant change within my job, financial hardship during COVID, and whether or not we are going to give up our beloved democratic country to a tyrant and authoritarian. The grieving simply hasn’t stopped…and it continues with the trials of so many white vigilantes taking the law into their own hands by killing people of color and those defending the rights of people of color. There is so much news and tragedy and chaos that numbing ourselves of it seems a pretty welcome thing to do.

What I have learned over the past few weeks as I take stock of my life and situation is that, not only do I have so much to be thankful for, I actually have the power to change my frame of mind as well as my outlook on my future. I live an extreme life of privilege compared to most in this world and, although I acknowledge I worked very hard for everything I have and for the perspective and knowledge I have obtained, I was set up to succeed with my upbringing, geographical location, class, ethnicity, and educational opportunities. It is time to break out of my pity party and own the power I have.

I think we all have times in our lives where we need to examine what is working for us and what isn’t. For starters, drinking hasn’t been working for me for a long time. I have been abusing it for over two years now. It was time to let that habit fall by the wayside. I am also not being served by numbing my emotions and avoiding relationships. Relationships, no matter the type, are what help us to grow and further develop into who we are meant to be. I forced a protective shield around myself to prevent any hurt from seeping in, but I also sealed off any chance at joy and love…and fulfillment. Relationships are hard work, but they are also so rewarding and energizing if we pick the right people to invite into our circle.

So this post is my declaration that I am joining the land of the living again. I am making a renewed commitment to work out every single day (with exception to Sundays…there should always be a day of rest). I never stopped but have been inconsistent, and consistency with moving my body feeds my soul. I am sober, as mentioned, and I am going to commit to spreading only joy and happiness to those around me. We need more of that and less doom and gloom. This does not mean I will stop posting about political and cultural issues that matter to me; we have nothing if not our voice in this precious and fragile democracy. However, I will make small efforts towards saying the encouraging thing to someone, and I will ask more questions and listen more intently as opposed to assuming I know what someone thinks or feels. Assumptions are the first obstacle to understanding and, ultimately, relationship fulfillment.

My word over the past month has been “surrender,” which I write all over my house as a reminder. I vow to surrender any desired outcomes. I am going to begin setting some new goals for the new year without expectations. I want to seek out ways to be of service and fulfill my passions without looking at the bottom line or the end goal. I want to be fully present in my life. I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, “You have no idea what your legacy will be because your legacy is every life you touch.” If we all approached life this way, imagine how beautiful our world would be. I don’t yet know what the next few years will bring to me, but I am committing to the enjoyment of them regardless. I am an open book (always have been), and I intend to feel every emotion and every moment as fully as possible because as we near a post-pandemic world I no longer want to numb any part of my life or put anything on hold. Our time is now, and we should all seize the day…with love, compassion, patience, action, and hope.