We all make mistakes. I have made more than a few in my forty-one years. Like most people, I stumbled a lot through adolescence and young adulthood. I was torn between being responsible and goal-oriented and wanting to be somewhat rebellious…to experience life without restraint. I mostly followed the responsible path much to my detriment. I think there is a give and take to that process…learning to take risks while being responsible enough not to derail our life’s goals. For me, because I mostly ignored my rebellious yearnings, I ended up hurting people in the long run…namely my ex. I hurt people because I ended up rebelling as an adult in a very negative and big way, an act that came to a head after years of ignoring my intuition and doing what I thought was expected of me. In the decade since our separation, I have been searching and studying and self-reflecting about how I could let myself hurt him and others the way that I did. Ultimately, my divorce sent me down a path of massive transformation and self-discovery. It was actually the best thing I could ever do for myself. I found my true identity and independence, and I learned who I was and what I stood for.

Years later, I am proud of my evolution. The problem with evolving, however, is that not everybody evolves with you. There are great challenges that come with self-actualization, “wokeness,” and enlightenment, when we can step outside of ourselves and watch another’s reactions in slow motion, seeing their pain but knowing that we cannot heal them. They have to heal themselves. This does not exempt me from my own massive come-aparts or bouts of emotional turmoil that still need to be healed, but I have become much more aware of the process and how to better handle these moments of unraveling. I am not perfect, but I have come a long way.

My ex and I are still friends for the most part, but we have arguments about parenting in the same way all couples and co-parents have arguments about parenting. It is inevitable for resentments from the past to arise. Navigating those times is challenging at best. In the end, making the co-parenting roles work for us and our daughter is a constant effort and commitment in itself. We have to be somewhat selfless and open to criticism. We have to be able to put aside any residual resentments and disagreements in order to come to a consensus about how best to move forward in our parenting of our daughter, our one mutual investment. I know there are times my ex wishes he could be rid of me forever. Old pains arise, and there’s nowhere to run. Honestly, I believe this is a good thing…having nowhere to run. It forces him (and me in my own feelings) to face the uncomfortableness and deal with those emotions. Never seeing each other again would be the easy way out. But we loved each other in a romantic way once upon a time, and we both know that the goodness we saw in each other at the beginning still resides there. Like any relationship, it is our responsibility to work through the muck of our differences together. Am I saying we should have stayed together? No, not at all. We aren’t right for each other romantically, but I still see, know, and value the friendship we built and still have to some degree. There is a lot of baggage to wade through. There always will be, especially when we have known each other since we were kids, but I am confident there is a path to healing. However, we both have to want to heal. There has to be an openness that occurs to be able to speak both our truths and also feel heard. It is a long and winding road, and it will never be a perfectly smooth path. But it’s worth it. Our daughter is worth it.

Having said all this, I also have to be prepared that my ex may never get over his resentment completely, and he may never decide to heal. Ultimately, the choice is not just ours to resolve and continue a friendship with another person. And there’s that “letting go” lesson again…I can only do what is necessary to heal myself, apologize for my part in the hurt, and continue to grow within my own peaceful existence. I still care what my ex thinks of me to an extent. I want him to forgive me and to heal, but I have to let go of outcomes. Ultimately, I am doing what is best for me and my personal journey. Navigating these complicated relationships is not easy. Sometimes they are highly emotional, but I always learn something new about myself and how to be a better person with each instance of complexity and difficulty. The greatest gifts we can give ourselves are grace and patience…grace to allow mistakes and imperfect growth and patience to allow the process to unfold at the pace it needs to. I speak a lot in hypotheticals and without concrete examples, but that is because I want to respect the anonymity of our situation, not for my sake but for my ex’s. He has said I should feel free to write everything that I need to, but I haven’t yet come to the place where I think that is the right thing to do or fair to him. But there are always lessons in people’s stories that others can relate to. In the end, the greatest gift we gave each other was Ashley, our daughter, and for that I will always love him and be grateful.