I Face My Fears

When I was younger, other people had to tell me I was good at something before I would believe it.

Now I prove it to myself…or I keep working until I feel competent.

I was raised in a sheltered homogenous small town environment. I was scared to travel anywhere by myself.

So I hopped a flight to Chicago by myself, and I took a road trip to California by myself…and now I go wherever I want.

I was terrified to jump a hurdle in high school. I was a miler, not a hurdler. In college, we had to jump them every other morning in plyometrics.

So my freshman year I entered the 400m hurdles…just for fun and because I wanted an excuse to use starting blocks.

I have always been somewhat afraid of heights. So…

I hiked up to almost 14,000 feet in the Rockies, roofed my house, stood out over a glass floor in the CN tower and the John Hancock Building, and jumped out of an airplane at 10,000 feet.

Cockroaches are my creepy crawly nightmare.

So when I lived on my own, I forced myself to kill them all.

I thought for sure I failed my comps exam in which I studied my ass off for an entire year in order to earn my Master’s degree.

I received a high pass…apparently a rare feat as comprehensive exam scores go.

My eighth grade year of basketball I wanted to quit after only playing on the B team.

After working hard over a summer, a year later I was starting on the freshman team and suiting up on Varsity by 10th grade, eventually starting on Varsity, earning academic all-conference and all-state honors, and attaining the highest free throw percentage on the team.

I had never lifted much other than in 10th grade weights class in high school and never Olympic lifted. I was always tiny, skinny…somewhat athletic and muscular in my legs but with a distance runner’s body.

So I started CrossFit and bulked up from 115 pounds to 150 pounds. Now I am truly in the best shape of my life….leaner but fitter.

I have had my trust broken by many friends, including my sister (as we have always had somewhat of a contentious relationship).

So I learned how to forgive and how to move forward, recognizing my faults and the faults of others as growing pains. And now I enjoy deep friendships, and I cherish my sister.

I used to laugh off inappropriate comments from men, trying like hell to make the men around me comfortable or unembarrassed…as if it was my job to appease them and make room for their misogyny.

Then one day I stopped. I stopped working for an employer who hired and coddled misogynistic men, stopped remaining silent when sexist or slimy things were said, stopped laughing off behavior that took advantage of my empathy. I stood my ground and called out bad behavior.

A therapist in my past said I must have commitment issues because I am single and have been for many years.

I say…maybe I just haven’t met the right person yet. There is no room in life for settling…and each person I have loved (and each person who was not so amazing) has taught me something important about myself.

I don’t turn away from fears. I face them. I don’t need other people to tell me what and who I am. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I no longer wait for others to validate my existence. I don’t simply exist…I live…with passion and conviction, with integrity and intention. I model for my daughter what it means to be a full, unbridled woman of this world. Why? Because she is the future, and she deserves to gain from my own personal evolution. Be the change you want to see in the world.