I had an amazing coffee date today with a similar soul. We were discussing our paths and journeys towards enlightenment and our purpose here on this Earth. Our conversation got around to the feminist movement at one point, and my friend expressed that she wasn’t fully on board with it because she felt there was too much anger and bitterness coming out of it. I offered another perspective to her. We are in a revealing moment of history. The truth about patriarchy, misogyny, rape culture, and sexual abuse is being exposed right now. We knew it always existed, but as a collective country, I don’t think people were aware of the depths that this problem is ingrained in our society. Problems must be exposed and accepted before they can ever be dealt with. What we are witnessing right now is not only that exposure and the extent of the problem, but the pain that comes with it. Women (and men and those represented as “other”) are in pain and speaking their truths about the injustices of this toxic environment. Inevitably, anger and bitterness are going to come with that. However, once acknowledged, what follows acknowledgement and awareness are action and healing. What are we going to do about this? What steps are we going to take to right these wrongs? 2017 was all about the exposure and the pain. 2018 is about action and healing. That is why a record number of women are running for office all over this country. Change is coming.

This movement is not necessarily meant to scare men, but it inevitably does because I would venture that a majority of men do not understand the depths of this problem or their participation in it up to this point. Through no fault of their own, men (and women, myself included) have been complicit in the perpetuation of a patriarchal culture through learned behaviors and accepted status quos. Men have inherited their status and have no imminent incentive to change that. Through the awareness of the MeToo and Times Up movements, women are now finding our voices during a time when our culture is forced to pay attention in order to address this deeply systemic problem.

This problem isn’t just about sexual harassment and abuse. It goes deeper than that to attitudes about women in general: our place within our families, businesses, and society at large. What we teach our daughters and sons about expectations, cultural trends, and societal “norms” has massive ramifications towards the systems we put in place that determine the access for our sons and daughters to equality, opportunity, and representation. I have studied these systems fairly extensively through my own academic and personal studies, but what I would like to do here is speak to my personal experiences with this toxic culture and how it has formed my own development into the feminist I am today. We should all be feminists because once the feminine aligns with the masculine in our power structure, everything comes into balance and true love and equality can manifest.

I could spend this time telling the devastating stories of dear friends of mine, strong women who have been raped, attacked, or silenced. I honor them every day in the work that I do to advocate for women’s rights, but I think there is also a place for those stories that are subtler in their silencing of women. It is those stories that go unnoticed but are maybe more important, or at least equally important. It is those small incidences of female degradation that continue to perpetuate misogyny, rape culture and, ultimately, patriarchy.

My story is multilayered. Like most women, from a young age I learned to defuse situations with men where unwanted advances occurred. Women are taught to be nice. So I learned at a young age to use humor and redirection to lighten a tense situation where I felt uncomfortable. No one ever taught me how to be direct and state outright that a situation was making me uncomfortable. I had to learn that through my own experiences and education. On the flip side, men are taught to be confident and, in many instances, aggressive to take what they want. I am not saying that men are taught to rape or be physically abusive (though some are), but men are expected to be masculine. Our society’s definition of masculinity as represented in pop culture is to degrade women and “one up” each other, viewing women as conquests rather than partners. These ways of viewing the opposite sex are damaging to the relationships we ultimately form and skew what a true partnership should look like.

Upon these layers of behavior are different scenarios. We have the way that men and women interact in a friendship or relational setting and then we have a different element of behavior that brings in the power dynamic, most often represented in the work environment. There are appropriate and inappropriate modes of behavior between men and women, but when power is brought into the picture, to me it becomes criminal. To be safe, if you hold a position of power over somebody, it isn’t a good idea to cross that sexually implicit line. I spent nine years at one company. I basically grew up and matured at that company. I experienced multiple incidences of sexual harassment but never reported it because, for one, I don’t think at the time I truly understood the impact of it on my own development and career. But I also never reported it because I justified it and resorted to learned behaviors and modes of thinking that “men will be men” and women just have to deal with it. So…we defuse situations instead of reporting them.

I was involved in one incident where a Vice President within the company commented on my “nice ass.” There were other incidences where I would be at sales meetings out of town and salesmen would try to get me to their rooms or would try to engage in dirty talk over the phone. I always shut them down, but I shouldn’t have been put in a situation like that in the first place. I think the worst transgression was one I could never prove…but women know and understand what is going on. Another V.P. at this company had been somewhat grooming me for a romantic/sexual encounter. He put on his charm, would message me on Facebook, and offered to be somewhat of a mentor, teaching me different things about business (since I never had an education in business). But what I never did was give him any leeway to be inappropriate with me. One week we were at a sales event in San Diego. A guy I was seeing at the time came down to San Diego (because he happened to be in California at the time) to stay with me. Rumors flew around the sales team about who the guy was and jokes were made that I had found myself a “young sailor” in San Diego. This particular V.P., when my friend left, was sitting in the hotel bar with me waiting for people to come down. He made a comment to me about my friend, saying that he knew exactly what I was doing with him, insinuating that it was a sexual relationship. This was inappropriate because, for one, it was none of his business what my relationship was with the guy. For another, he was in a position of power talking to me about my sexual life with another person. And I have to mention that it is one thing to have this type of conversation with a peer, but it is very different when the person is in a position of power over you. It wasn’t more than a few weeks later that this V.P. called me up and told me he didn’t think I was cutting it in my role as a Product Manager and that I should consider moving into another role. Ultimately, I was demoted…and one could argue that it was due to my lack of performance, though I feel that a true leader and mentor would have given me the guidance to be successful. I am a hard worker and an intelligent person. But I truly feel to this day that he was punishing me for not giving in to his subtle advances. Plus, how are we supposed to establish ourselves and be taken seriously as professionals in our work environment when our “mentors” are trying to prime us for a sexual encounter? Meanwhile, rumors flew (and were confirmed) that this man had slept with another sales rep, once again taking advantage of his power position. And what happened as a consequence? Absolutely nothing. He certainly wasn’t fired. He still works for the same company and still holds his V.P. position. Meanwhile, the sales rep was soon gone from the company, and I left that company for multiple reasons but including the toxic environment of misogyny and sexual harassment that went on there from men in leadership positions. A side note to this is that all of these men in power were also married, not that it would be appropriate even if they were single.

What is the point of telling these stories? Well, it is this subtle behavior of inappropriate abuses of power that perpetuate and, ultimately, lead to incidences of sexual abuse, inequality, and stagnation of women in power. There should be no toleration when it comes to abuses of power, and we need to start engaging in a discourse about consent, what that means, and when it is appropriate to engage in sexual conduct. There is virtually no education on this topic for young people. They learn from media, pop culture, and the examples set by their parents and peers. These conversations need to happen in safe spaces and early on in emotional and sexual development.

One last word on this: I know that men are “nervous” right now about making a wrong move. On the one hand, you should be. Time’s up. We are not going to tolerate inappropriate behavior anymore. On the other hand, I do think we need to give some room for men to make mistakes and provide an opportunity for them to correct and become advocates of and for women. I have a great friend who considers himself a feminist and does speak out on behalf of women. Even he has expressed frustration at being an advocate for women while also being persecuted, shut down, and even blamed for all male bad behavior. Men were raised in this toxic culture like women, so they are somewhat behind the learning curve. Awareness is the first step. Action and education are the next step. We have to allow men some space to catch up to an understanding of what women have gone through so they have the opportunity to correct themselves and make amends. This is deeply ingrained behavior that isn’t going to change over night. The point is dialogue, understanding, and then action. Without it, nothing will change. We need to keep men as advocates because absolutely nothing will change without them. Without their participation, we will remain at the status quo. No cultural movement that strives for change is going to be perfect. There will be pushback, but let’s be cognizant of those trying to learn and change. We all need to be a little more compassionate and patient, while also not losing our moment and our loud voices.