My journey towards understanding has been like most others before me, I am sure. It is a process filled with trials, confusion, pain, suffering, and breakthroughs. Basically my entire twenties consisted of utter confusion with a lot of unnecessary (yet necessary since we learn from it) pain mixed in. Most pain we feel is caused by our own actions, through ignorance and inexperience…not all, but most. I have written quite a bit about my journey toward self-discovery and self-actualization, but I haven’t written much about my pain. Much like pain itself, it isn’t a comfortable topic of conversation. In my twenties I hadn’t yet learned the tools for taking control of my life and my own heart. I hadn’t yet discovered who I was, let alone how I should handle challenges that were thrown at me. In the midst of my divorce, I got a sense of what real pain feels like. I was in so much emotional pain that I would literally keel over sobbing loudly and without abandon because I didn’t know what my future held, and I was scared. I had pain from relationships ending and changing, I had pain from my own confusion about my purpose in the world, and I had pain from the loss of dreams that would never come to fruition. I had so much pain in that time that I did what I told myself I would never do: I went on medication for my depression.

Enter my thirties, my period of self-discovery. My thirties were entirely about finding my self and my independence through relationships, both romantic and friendship. I had a lot of ups and downs, emotional roller coasters and, at times, more confusion. But I slowly worked my way off meds, talked my way through therapy, and studied my way into an understanding about the meaning of life and why I belong here in this space. It takes a ton of work, but it is so worth it. There is no cause more worthy of our time than investing in ourselves through counseling, psychoanalysis, education, and taking care of our minds and bodies. We are nothing unless we bring our best selves to the table…in work, in relationships, and in spirit.

I have less than one year left of my thirties. I am pretty confident in who I have become, and I feel mostly centered in my purpose on this Earth. I have found my voice, and I have reached a place of contentment without losing that fire to continue to be a better person and improve on so many things. But I still struggle on occasion with rejection. It doesn’t matter what kind. It can be from a friend, a coworker, a lover, or even a sibling. But what I have recently learned through self-reflection is that the bad feeling we get in the pit of our stomachs when we are feeling disoriented, un-centered, and sad, for me, comes from lack of connection. I am a pretty easy-going person, and I let relationships take their course…whatever they are meant to be. But if there is no connection at all, that bothers me. And it makes me feel unsettled. It makes me turn inward and start to have unhealthy thoughts like, “Is it me? Why can’t I seem to connect with this person?” That is actually a strength of mine, connection with people. I am, after all, a “woo-er” on the Strength Finder 2.0 test. When I fail to connect with someone I perceive to be important in my path of life, I begin to have self-doubt and to break down. I feel that “ick” in my stomach. What is that? What is that about? These are questions we must ask ourselves so that we can understand it better, deal with it, and move on. I don’t necessarily have an answer, but awareness is a good start. Writing about it is always the first step for me in resolving any issues I am facing.

Connection is so important in every single person’s life. So I offer some advice on a topic I am still trying to figure out:

Connect with people. Learn about them. Take time to get to know them and hear their stories. Go into that connection without expectation. If you are afraid they will get the wrong idea, #1 – don’t assume anything and #2 – talk to them anyway. You might learn something about them that could change your perspective. You might learn something that changes how you view a topic, view them, view anything. My point is connection broadens our worlds. It opens us up and, through that connection, we are automatically connected exponentially to others who have influenced that person you just connected with. The key though is to be authentic and well-intentioned.

I am human just like everyone else. I have moments (many moments) where all I want to do is run home and be alone so I can recharge. I am not telling you to take that away. You should have that time for you; that is healing time. But there are moments in a day where we could choose to avoid that annoying person at the gym or at work, OR we could smile at them and say “Hi, how is your day going? Tell me something good today.” I compare it very much to “paying it forward,” but we are paying in kindness…and connection. The more we can connect with others in positive ways…by listening, showing interest, caring…the better chance we have to take away people’s pain. If we do anything at all in a day, THAT may be the most important action we take. Living in that way ensures that we are leaving our mark and living with purpose.