A lot has been written about body image in women but not nearly enough. I grew up a skinny kid. I was athletic and involved in sports year-round as well as dance. I never really worried much about my body image. I just focused on my goals, in sports and academically. In college I ran a ton of miles on the cross-country and track teams. During my sophomore year, I put in anywhere from 60-100 mile weeks in summer training and getting ready for my first ever marathon. I was down around 115 pounds, but I ate a ton…and by a ton I mean all the time. I ate biscuits & gravy with eggs every morning, a big lunch and dinner…and snacks in between. I really couldn’t get enough to eat usually. I would come home from school on weekends and my mom would ask if I was eating enough, that I looked anorexic. I reassured her that I was eating all the time and that I just burned it all off with my running. Even then I didn’t worry about my body image. I was proud of what I was trying to accomplish…I was focused on my goals. My body fat percentage was 11.3%, borderline low for a girl of that age but then again, I was always little to begin with. In my twenties I would always just step up my running if my pants got a little tight, and I set new running goals to keep me motivated. My training has always gone through cycles. I think that is healthy. Even when I became pregnant, gained about 45 pounds and had trouble losing the weight, I didn’t worry much because I was more concerned about nurturing my daughter…and I finally lost the weight almost two years later by, of course, running.

Enter CrossFit. I started CrossFit five years ago. I initially put in four solid months of hardcore training. I couldn’t do a pull-up when I started. I had never done weight training (other than weight class my sophomore year in high school). I was training for a marathon while also doing CrossFit about 3-4 days a week. I was really fit and not very bulky. After that initial year, I floated in and out of CrossFit but still focused primarily on running. I liked the challenge of CrossFit as well as the strength training aspect, but I didn’t want to give up my first love of running. About a year and a half ago (October 2015) I started to do CrossFit full-time. I worked out six days a week, many days for up to two hours each day. Needless to say I became very fit and strong…and I bulked up. I went from 125 pounds to 150 pounds in about six months. I love the feeling of being strong and doing things I have never been able to do before. I love Olympic lifting, and I love the feeling of being spent after each workout. It is so gratifying. Plus, I found my abs again. Bonus! But there was a side that bothered me.

As I gained the extra 25 pounds of muscle, my clothes started to get tight, and I started to look bulkier. I had traps and delts and biceps and an actual booty!! As someone who has been little her entire life, I loved it but was also uncomfortable at the same time. Nothing fit me, and I didn’t feel as feminine as I used to. I wondered if I was less attractive. I worried about my identity as a runner as well. I wasn’t able to run long distances as easily as I used to. Twenty-five pounds is a lot of weight to add on to a long distance runner. I constantly felt like I was carrying a heavy sand bag when I’d go for runs around the lake. Ultimately, I didn’t care because I loved being fit and achieving PRs in different skills that are required in CrossFit. It is addicting, fun, social, and gratifying. But then last summer I switched jobs and my schedule became such that fitting my workouts into my day became more challenging. Being an all-or-nothing person I became very frustrated that my training was suffering and thought maybe I should go back to running. After all, I was still uncomfortable with the extra weight, and I really missed the feeling of running free with no limits…something I hadn’t felt in a long time. So I decided to train for another marathon with a friend of mine. It went well for about two months, but I wasn’t losing the weight and I started to become unmotivated and irritable. I have struggled over these past months to achieve the feeling in running that I used to get…that euphoric, fit, springy feeling of running at a good clip and feeling like I could run forever. It wasn’t coming. On top of that, my runs have become inconsistent because of my own work schedule and my daughter’s demanding activity schedule during the spring.

My marathon is now only two months away. I am still 150 pounds, I haven’t been able to get my long runs in like I want to, and I am frustrated. I battled depression over February and March, partially due to weather, the political climate, and other factors. But I think a huge element that was missing in my life was my CrossFit life. There is nothing like coming to a place where you are bettering yourself and helping others do the same. Everyone has a smile on their face and everyone wants you to achieve your goals. This has been weird for me because I have always trained for marathons alone. It is a solitary endeavor. I am used to being alone and having my thinking time. All of a sudden though, I realized that I am craving my people…having that support system. There’s nothing like it.

I also had to step back and look at my attitude towards my body. I had to come to terms with the fact that, although if I put in my time, I know I could get my running body back, but…I don’t think I want it back. I am constantly stressed out that I am losing strength gains that I worked so hard for in the previous year through CrossFit, and I really want to continue getting stronger and more agile. I am learning to love my new body. I have purchased some better fitting clothes (though that is a long process given my financial situation). So, in the name of contentment and fulfillment, I have decided to drop my race in Colorado down to the half marathon instead of the full, and I am going back to CrossFit at about 60% until I am done with my race, then back up to 100% of the time. I need to do what makes me happy and what serves my soul.

The other day my mom made a comment that she likes my runner’s body better. I was upset for a second because it is something I have been struggling with silently and she basically confirmed it. But then I just pushed the comment aside. My body has always been utilitarian. I have always used it to achieve goals, not to be some sort of pin-up model. I am not going to change my attitude towards my body just because I am not used to my new size and proportions, and I am certainly not going to change my attitude because someone else has a different opinion about what looks good or feminine. Strength truly is beauty, and I love being strong. I love doing things I was never able to do in the past like back squatting 185 pounds or stringing multiple pull-ups together. I will continue to defy gravity into my old age, and I will sport my larger booty & biceps with pride. I will continue to love my body for what it can do, not for how it looks. And the high fives in class don’t hurt either.