I have been struggling for some months now. I have been blaming it on the election…much of it anyway. I had an epiphany tonight that I have to get down into words. I have written of this before, but I have done a lot of work to understand myself and my quirks. I spent much of my twenties and early thirties practically majoring in Jennifer Leigh Williams 101. Through extensive self-reflection, journaling, therapy, and massive amounts of reading, I learned a few things about human behavior and how I tick. It is an accomplishment to be sure. My natural state of being is to analyze and study. I hoard information, and I read almost anything and everything I can get my hands on. I am a control freak in the sense that I have an aching need to understand. I need to understand myself, I need to understand others and their behavior, I need to understand our political environment, I need to understand the oppressive systems in place that keep us divided, I need to understand my family and how those dynamics impact each of us including my daughter. The list goes on and on…but that need for understanding is what drives me to seek out answers, whether it be through books, therapists, dialogue with friends and family, school, etc. Because I have done all this work and study, I am a really confident person when it comes to my beliefs and my desires. However, there is a BUT…

There is one thing I can’t control. I can’t control who comes in and out of my life and what lessons they are meant to teach me. I try as hard as I might to control my relationships with others. I know I do this even when I consciously make the effort not to. And when I feel I am losing that sense of control, I back away and retreat into myself. My epiphany today was that I am absolutely starved for true intimacy. I am in desperate need of something real. I don’t want to discredit all of my wonderful and healthy friendships. I have many. BUT…I haven’t had a truly meaningful intimate relationship that was based on real love and true connection with a man in a really long time. This is not a “poor me” post. I have contributed to this situation somewhat. I don’t let many people in, friends or men. I keep a wall up because I have been hurt quite a bit in my past. Again, this is nothing special about me, but what IS special about me is acknowledging that fact in myself. I have allowed myself to feign relationships with men who I know (even consciously) I am not meant to be with in order to feel something of consequence. I think that is a human tendency, so I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But let’s face it…when we waste our time on those who aren’t right for us, we shut out any opportunity to welcome in the person who IS right for us.

The other element I struggle with is that, being a woman of reasoned thought and not so much religious thought, I know that praying or “keeping the faith” that the right person will enter my life isn’t helpful for me nor is it comforting. I believe in the self and living a life of integrity and love for the sake of that love. Living a life that serves others and stays true to me is the best way to live out my purpose. This post is not about religion or faith, however. It is about authenticity. There’s that word again…my life’s motto. I have written many times about coming back to my center. Who am I and what do I value? Do the people I surround myself with also carry those values? What can I learn from those who think differently from me? How can I become valuable to them? What can I do differently to honor the true me…the person I am meant to be? The answers are simple and, yet, so complex when we allow ourselves to get bogged down by the unimportant. We start to feel insecure to the point where we need validation from others instead of finding that validation within. Many people seek out their faith and run to their religion for that validation. There is nothing wrong with that. Their faith speaks to them and keeps them centered. That approach rings hollow for me, however, because my “faith” is never outside of myself. It is always within where my power lies, where my soul resides, where God is. God is love. God is not a separate entity and God does not control my fate. I actually am in complete control…even when I’m not. Because I can always go to that small place within myself to remember who I am and what I’m worth, and that small place is untouchable to the outside world.

So where does this knowledge leave me in my starvation for connection and true intimacy? It is okay to want something but still know that all I need is already within my grasp. I exist. I am here. I am breathing. I have love to give. Because all of that is true, I have purpose. Maybe my purpose isn’t to have that deep connection with a man. Right now my purpose is to observe my thoughts and my desires, to acknowledge them, to take a deep breath, and to move forward in love, in patience, and in trust that as long as I am open and living authentically, I will always be connected to others. Let’s be clear: I have no desire to be a nun. I want to find “the one” as much as the next person (who isn’t a nun haha). But during the times when I begin to ruminate about it…those are the times when I know I need to quickly find my center. I do that by getting quiet, staying out of my head, and connecting with who I truly am. There are many tricks to reach this place, and I am not always successful. BUT I know that I will find Her eventually…in love, in patience, and in trust.