I would like to share a few thoughts on love tonight…what I believe it is and isn’t.

What love isn’t: Love is not physical, verbal or emotional abuse, lying, manipulating, cheating, withholding, deceit, apathy, name-calling, contempt, or controlling. If any of those actions exist in a relationship, love is not present.

What love is: Love is patience, trust, kindness, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, presence, truth, openness, and joy.

Many people mistake attachment, need, or desire for love. They also assume that romantic love is separate or different from platonic love. Love is just love. How we show that love might define what type of relationship it is, but the love itself is the same. For example, I might show my life partner, husband, or boyfriend love through physical intimacy such as sex or kissing whereas I would show my daughter love through hugs, words of affirmation, or various acts of care-taking. Some acts of love can cross over into different types of relationships where appropriate, but the love itself is still the same. When we are truly loving, we are patient; we choose to trust that person; we show kindness, empathy, and compassion; we forgive; we always tell the truth; and we remain open to receiving love. Moreover, if any of those actions are missing, love does not exist. You can’t have love without honesty. You can’t have love without compassion. You can’t have love without the willingness to forgive.

I am not religious, but I do believe the Bible has a very good definition of love in 1^st Corinthians 13: 4-7,

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Another great definition of love comes from M. Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled (fantastic book) where he says,

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

I think about this a lot. I think about ways in which I can not only show love, but receive it. If I am in relationships that hurt me, they are not worth my time. I have to make the choice to walk away. Sometimes that takes a lot of courage, but if you value your own worth, it is the right decision. It doesn’t mean you stop showing love to that person; you just do it from a distance with necessary boundaries. Self love should always come first; not the narcissistic kind of self love, but the nurturing kind where we treat ourselves as we would treat another loved one, with kind words and actions.

Relationships can be very complicated, but love is not. Love is black and white. To me, the three most important and necessary things that MUST be present in a loving and successful relationship are trust, kindness, and communication. Those are my deal-breakers if they are not present. When it comes to romantic love specifically, sex and physical intimacy can definitely confuse us. If that person is showing the warning signs of a bad relationship, it can make us hopeful that the person we are with might change. That hope can also put us in denial to where we overlook their shortcomings or choose not to see them at all. There are shortcomings that we can and should live with such as when our partner loses his/her temper or forgets an anniversary. We can all improve on the negative learned behaviors that we inevitably picked up in childhood and beyond. And we can also improve on how we show love. But when that partner calls us names in the midst of that temper or deliberately deceives us, that is a person who does not know or understand love. It is those toxic relationships that we have to be willing to walk away from. I am holding out for love in its true form, not the fake love that is disguised in flowers and gifts and only verbal promises (not backed up by action). I have enough true love in my life through my family and friendships to sustain me. When it comes to that elusive thing called romantic love, I’m holding out for the extraordinary and the real. I will settle for nothing less.

One last thought: We should all strive to show love to every single person we encounter. It is not difficult if we are confident and comfortable in who we are. Even if that person is not nice to us, we should still show them love. That is called compassion and forgiveness. We should show love to those we fear (though we shouldn’t fear others, especially if we seek to understand them). That is called empathy and openness. We should show love to those who frustrate or annoy us. That is called patience and kindness. If every person knew of love or learned how to love, the world would be healed. It starts with ourselves and blossoms outward until we touch every single human on Earth through each other. This is my ultimate dream.